"Life is what happens to you
While you're busy making other plans."
- John Lennon
I had a cute idea to to build up to this, but that's not happening anymore. As most of you know, we finally found a house. We took our first steps & began the process of applying for a mortgage. I wrote the down payment check. It was scary and exciting all at once. We were going to be homeowners - our own little postage stamp of the American dream. We sat in our lawyers office & signed the contract on Friday Sept 16th... the following Thursday, the 22nd - I was laid off.
*POOF* our dream of home ownership - up in smoke.
12 years I've been with my company. There was no warning this time, no whispering in the hallway, no rumor mills, no heads up - my boss might as well have walked in the door & hit me in the face with a brick. Looking back now, I actually feel bad for him. I've been offered other jobs in the past & stuck by him each time. I could tell he felt guilty even though it wasn't his fault. He fought for me, I know he did. Hell, his boss fought for me - but they lost, it truly was out of their hands. I know this because it wasn't just me - a few hundred people were let go, they didn't have a choice of who to let go - they were told by corporate. My boss rules. Corporate can suck it.
I'm not going to lie - I took it pretty hard. I went through weird emotional stages in a few hours. I'm not someone who often cries - after the initial shock wore off I cried. After I called my husband to tell him, after I met with HR to discuss the details - even though the door to my office was closed - puffy eyed, I sought privacy in the handicap bathroom for 20 minutes. Just when I thought I had composed myself - that's when panic struck. What am I going to do? Where am I going to go? This screws up everything! I don't even know what to do next.
The silver lining is that I've got an amazing severance package, I get to keep my benefits for a few months and I'll still get my year end bonus - which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for some of the other people who were let go last week. But it still doesn't feel real. It's been 5 days & I still have bouts where I get weepy out of the blue when I think of it. If we don't get approved for a mortgage, it'll be because of me. I know it won't be my fault, but it'll be because of me. I can't express to you how guilty that makes me feel.
Thing is - we still have to try to get a mortgage. We have to prove that we've made an attempt to get one, or we forfeit the down payment. We have enough money for the closing & my severance should be able to carry us past Spring with no problems. Our mortgage broker is a great guy & he's trying to push things through quickly. You might wonder why we'd even bother pushing forward? We're getting the house for a good price, it doesn't need any work, it's in a good school district, with low taxes and is walking distance to a train station - it's everything we've been looking for. Our broker thinks we shouldn't let this stop us from buying a home. Everyone's convinced that I'll have another job by then. I'm not. My thought process is all over the place:
What if we don't get a mortgage because of this?
What if we DO?
What if I don't find a job?
What if we DO?
What if I don't find a job?
What if I end up in a job that pays way less?
What happens when the severance runs out?
What if we end up drowning?
Will we ever be settled enough to start a family?
I have to find something in the next couple weeks - no one hires around the holidays.
What if one of us gets really sick?
I'm supposed to have surgery on my back in the future - is it going to be a problem?
Will they say my back problem is a "pre-existing condition"?
I have to find something in the next couple weeks - no one hires around the holidays.
What if one of us gets really sick?
I'm supposed to have surgery on my back in the future - is it going to be a problem?
Will they say my back problem is a "pre-existing condition"?
What if we walk away from the house & then I find a new position &
everything's fine? I'll kick myself for a mistake like that!!
I feel so helpless.
I feel so helpless.
This is terrifying.
Mostly I feel like we have this never-ending black cloud hanging over us. Every time something good happens, something equally negative happens to stomp all over our happiness and impede the positivity. We get engaged - the Hubs loses his job. The week of our wedding - 2 loved ones pass away. We find a house - I lose my job. I'm afraid to even think about what's gonna happen when we eventually have a kid. It really is "everything old is new again" - bad shit just keeps rearing it's head in new ways. I'm tired of it.
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| From Little Black Raincloud blog |
The scariest thing for me right now is that even though I've moved around my company in different jobs and departments over the years - I've always been able to rely on my work, my relationship with contacts & getting jobs solely upon recommendations. I haven't had to interview for a job since 1998!! So, if anyone's looking for me I'll be over here in the corner working on my resume - I haven't updated it since 2004...
I am so, so sorry to hear this. I felt exactly the same way when I got let go in 2009. It sucked, I panicked, I cried... all of those things that you're going through now. I won't tell you that everything will be all right, because even though it will be, it's hard to see it right now (totally get that, been there, done that). What I will say is to lean on your husband - he's totally got your back. And tell everyone you know that you're looking for a job. It took me too long to get to that point, and when I finally did tell people, a friend knew of an opening immediately. So you never know where your next position is going to come from!
ReplyDeleteAlso - do whatever you can to keep yourself insured once you lose your benefits. As long as you're always covered (or have a break of no more than 63 days (I think, doublecheck this)), then there won't be a pre-existing condition issue.
Ack! How stressful! So sorry to hear you are going through this. Hang in there, we're all thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteMy goodness...this is terrible. There is no sugar coating it. If the house is not a stretch on your budget I too think it would be good to go for it still. Not that you have a choice but to try anyways or risk losing your deposit. Good houses are hard to find when you are on a budget so who knows when the right one might come along next. You have tons of contacts so it sounds like you are already a leg up on finding your next job. After 12 years-my goodness that is earth shattering and the timing sucks but hopefully with your good severance package and your awesome skills you will be on another job soon without skipping a beat. Damn economy! I have a good friend who just lost her 2nd job in as many years. Times are tough but we can only hope things get better.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness Dancy! I am so so so sorry to hear about your job, I can't imagine the stress you must be under. I would be asking myself the same exact questions - but I think it is wise that you go ahead with the house, you have both worked hard for this over the years and you both deserve it. It's such a hard time out there now, sometimes, I get so angry that I'm spending my 20's working in this horrible recession where things are supposed to be good and exciting - and instead at every corner we're worried about being laid off, or finding a new job, or even moving up in our companies. Stay strong, you will get through this and you will find a new job, I'm sure of it!
ReplyDelete(((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine how you feel right now...
:::phew::: girlie, all I got is mad hugs & hope :-/
ReplyDeleteI know it is such a cliche' thing to say but things happen for a reason. I'll pray for you! And things will work out, however they are supposed to :), and if nothing else, move to Missouri, the Joplin area is the cheapest place to live in the country so they say... LOL :) And before long there'll be a BUNCH of new houses... thanks to the good ole tornado :)
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear about this. I know someone else who just lost their job too, right out of the blue. I hope that you find another job that will make you happy. Hang in there, thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteGosh, I'm so sorry. I know how excited you were about finding the house, so I really hope it works out for you and you're able to find a new job soon. *hugs*
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